I was raised in a time and place from which I have never fully recovered. I need to call Dr. Sanity or perhaps that fella at One Cosmos. I think I am losing it. Or maybe I never had “it.” Or maybe because I woke up this morning I can assume I am aging and that means because I am older I may be getting confused. I don’t know.

Anyway! I was taught to be a “good” boy, obey my elders, don’t sass, be quiet if an adult was talking, and never hit Sally. Sally is a girl, I was told, and she was to be protected not laughed at because she had green hair, a pierced tongue, a ring in her nose, and wore her pants – well, you know, barely.

Now I find out Sally doesn’t want me to protect her. She wants me to “f**k-off and mind my own business.” (She told me so.) It’s her body and she can do with it what she wants. I still haven’t figured out though, why she thinks that gives her the right to become the ugliest form of humanity, I’ve seen, both mentally and physically, and rub my nose in it at the mall and other public places. Moreover, why does her “right” to get laid and pregnant make it obligatory that I pay for her abortion. I can’t figure that out.

Where was I? Oh yah!

So I tried to bring all that “behave yourself” crap with me into adulthood. I only sped on the freeway if I was certain that was not a cop backed into the trees up ahead. I always let old ladies cross in front of my car if I was not being too inconvenienced. I have always tried to be polite and civil to those who are in authority and make the laws I am supposed to obey: At least I tried until I thought they were far enough away so they couldn’t hear me. In other words I tried to be model citizen just like you.

My problem is I believed all that bull**it they fed me at home and in school about civilization. You know the stuff I’m talking about, I wrote most of it above, but there was that thing they taught in “Civics class,” about how our elected officials were just a little bit better than the rest of us. They were our “leaders,” our role models. You know, like Swaggart, and Haggard, and Clinton – not Hillary the other one. The one that was impeached for molesting a young girl in the White House; that one.

Now I read though, that the people who try to get our role-models elected don’t even bother with the laws they want me to obey. Apparently everything I was taught is blue-smoke and mirrors, designed to suck in the suckers. For example I read this this morning:

CONCORD, N.H. – A Republican organization agreed to stop making automated phone calls to New Hampshire residents on the federal do-not-call list. But the Democrats said Monday that the calls still violate federal rules.

The National Republican Congressional Committee agreed on Sunday to stop calling homes on the registry after a citizen complained to the state attorney general. Under New Hampshire law, political campaigns can contact people on the do-not-call list, but cannot use automated recordings.

Here’s my problem. If the makers of the laws, don’t abide by the laws, break them with impunity and go on about their business as though nothing wrong has happened, what am I supposed to do? Do I still have to obey? Can I steal $150k as bribe money and still be a law-maker like that criminal Alcee Hastings from Florida? Or will I get hammered like that guy Cunningham from California? Moreover, what makes the difference between what that queer Barney Franks did and that other guy: Oh what is his name, he was just thrown out of the house for trying to get a B.J. Now I remember, Mark Foley.

How am I supposed to know that robbing the 7–11 and taking a bribe are two different things? Has anyone really differentiated between these concepts? I don’t know. Like I said, “I’m confused.”

Today is the day when I really don’t know what to do. Several of my dead neighbors will vote and I’m wondering if it’s OK for me to go from precinct to precinct voting several times in an effort to override their “dead votes?”

What should I do? I’m so confused?